Guilty Mama

can we start off by talking about this thing people call sleep? I can't tell you the last time I actually had a good nights sleep. Our 3 year old crawls into our bed EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. Around 2am the door flys open and I can hear his little feet hitting the wood floor. He jumps into bed, tells his daddy to "scooch over" , and then passes out. Have you ever slept with a toddler? I have dreams I am being mauled by a lion or fighting off wild animals in the jungle because he is everywhere. He's upside down, straight across our pillows, on top of my head, laying on his dad's back, or patting my back saying "sleep tight mama". . We have tried a million times to put him back in his bed but he finds his way back into our room within 30 minutes so we just let him stay because let's be honest it's easier to wake up with a few bruises from his flailing limbs then it is to actually get out of the covers a hundred times and walk to his room. I mean it's 3 am. I can't even think straight let alone carry a child back to his room for the 20th time.

So, after our catastrophe of a night our alarm clock goes off at 5:30 AM and we begin our day. Ted goes to work and some days he works 15 hour days {bless his heart he works SO hard} which leaves no break for me through the day. I start and end my day with our 3 kids and I can be totally exhausted by 9pm. We have 3 boys so the second they are awake my two youngest are wresting on the couch and our oldest is already cranky about the way I said "good morning" to him. By the time they are done eating breakfast I have a new grocery list started since our fridge is cleaned out because boys can eat! I send two off to school and then my toddler stays home with me and I do daycare. I seriously have the best job on the plant And I wouldn't change it for anything but man by bedtime I am pooped and for some reason bed time is always chaotic around here. I have naked butts running around waiting for their pajamas, a teenager who all of the sudden wants to ask a ton of questions so he can stay up later, and 3 kids who are starving to death and won't make it through the night if they all don't have one pickle or a string cheese.. heaven forbid if I let them wither away during their sleep. So this pretty much sums up our days just add a few baseball, soccer, and hockey practices in there and running around like a chicken with its head cut off and that's me summed up into one whole day. Whoa that was exhausting just to type.

I'm a mom who is constantly taking care of kids and everyone else's needs, I am sometimes the only one who hasn't had a chance to use the bathroom or brush my hair and most days I'm okay with that. I've always wanted to be a mom and take care of my kids and be home with them. I love everything about it from the boogery noses to the sleepless nights and all their cute little stories, but one thing I lack is taking time for ME. I feel totally completely guilty about it. If I go see a movie with my friend the whole time I'm thinking about my kids and what needs to be done at home and I feel bad that I'm there when maybe they need me at home. I recently had a really good friend who's also like a mentor to me ask me why I feel this way. I really didn't have an answer for her I really don't know why I feel guilty. My husband is so encouraging and always telling me to take a break and get away. In fact sometimes he just hands me the keys and says just go and do something for you, but I can't go do it without feeling some sort of guilt. Half the time I'm super thankful if I just get to take the long way home from dropping a kiddo off somewhere and I can hear all my own thoughts while the kids watch the same curious George movie that's been in the DVD player in the car. Speaking of which I need to change that soon. I can repeat the whole movie.

This has been really bothering me lately and I've had to do a lot of thinking. Why do we as moms feel so guilty about doing something for us? Is it because we constantly compare ourselves to other moms? Is it because we just feel the need to be in control over everything? I just don't get it.. I dont understand how some of us get to this point where we put everyone else's needs before our own. Also, I'm totally not over here trying to act like I'm supermom or anything I just know I have neglected myself in order to make sure everyone else's needs are met. I hate this feeling. I can't stand that somedays I just need a moment to myself and my husband is basically handing it to me on a silver platter and I won't take it. I say "thanks babe but I just want to hang out with you guys I'm totally fine" um, hello... have you seen me lately??? I don't get a good nights sleep, I wear my hair in a pony tail most days because I want the extra 10 minutes to lay in my bed before starting my day, I live in yoga pants,  the other day I took a 7 minute nap in my driveway before entering the house while our teenager babysat, and I put makeup on just to feel a little better about myself and Devin asked if I had plans to go somewhere.. yes, big plans actually I am going to clean the playroom thanks for asking.

So, my new plan. Take the time for myself. Stop taking on more then I can handle. No I can't volunteer at EVERY Event, join the PTA, host the neighborhood block party, and the latest thing I signed up to do is be the team parent for Devin's baseball team. Ted handled the news so well. Thanks babe sorry I added another thing to my plate.  What's that bible verse? My yoke is easy and my burden is light? God's not asking me to take all this on these are expectations that I've put on myself.

Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I totally had to look up the definition of weary.. yes, I am that tired I was like what the heck does weary mean.. oh.. tired, worn out, exhausted... Yes, I am raising my hand I am weary. I am actually double weary if that's even a thing. 

Okay, so I don't want to sit here and complain. I LOVE my life. I have to laugh at our crazyness sometimes, but in all reality I would be lost without it. We are just in a season. We're raising little men and let me tell you it's work but it's the best kind of work. Boys are gross and our dinner topics might not always be table appropriate but I love it. I just need to not feel guilty about taking time for myself. I need to pour into my own cup, my husband needs to pour into his cup, and we need to pour into our cup as a couple. We're working on it. I am working on it. No more guilt feelings. 

I just wanted to write this for all the sleep deprived mommas who are raising kiddos. Whatever that looks like if your a mom who is home with your kids or your a mom who works outside of the home. I feel you momma! You got this. We got this. Take some time for yourself. Remember God isn't asking us to take on the world and he says come to him when your feeling weary and burdened. We can find rest in him alone.